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Lily Joy's Story

On November 11, 2017, we found out that we were expecting our 6th baby.  We had prayed and planned for this baby and we were thrilled to be expecting again.  Every appointment went well and we heard a strong heartbeat several times.  On January 25, 2018 the flu virus hit our family.  I was down with flu symptoms and a high fever for several days.  On January 30th at 2:30 in the morning my water broke and our baby girl was born a few minutes later at home.  I was in my 2nd trimester.  She was perfect in every way with tiny hands & feet and a sweet face.  Shawn and I were in shock.  We couldn't believe that we were staring at our lifeless baby. When we got in the car to head to the hospital the most beautiful song was playing.  It was called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I remember hearing her sing, "What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise."  We spent the next few hours trying to wrap our arms around what had just happened.  We were not going to be angry.  We were blessed to have a kind and gentle doctor answer our questions along with a loving nurse that prayed and cried with us on the edge of my bed.  Our hearts were broken for our sweet baby's lost life.


The test results came back that I had a bacterial infection in my placenta, which caused my water to break.  The doctor said that it was a secondary infection caused by the flu virus.  Also, the test results confirmed that we were expecting a healthy girl.  That was difficult news for us to hear.

We named her Lily because it means pure and innocent.  She was a beautiful gift and sweet Lily brought joy to our lives.  I had just started to feel her move and flutter, which is one of my favorite stages of pregnancy. We had a burial service for our little angel at Lincoln Memory Gardens in Whitestown.  Our family gathered around her tiny white casket and prayed.  The pastor's words were simple, yet beautiful and comforting to us in many ways.  God has a plan for our lives and we will understand in time.  We have faith that He is good and will walk with us through this difficult time of grieving and sorrow.  Shawn and I believe that this storm shall pass and the Lord will reveal a beautiful rainbow to us.  We have faith, hope and love.

"He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.  The former things have passed away.  And the One seated on the throne said: 'Look! I am making all things new.' Also, he says: 'Write, for these words are faithful and true,'" -Revelation 21:4,5

January 30, 2020:  Today, all I can think about it is what might have been.  Lily would have been 18 months old.  She arrived on this day 2 years ago and too early to survive on her own.  What would our life be like today if she were here?  What have we missed?  I just want to know her personality.  What does her laugh sound like?  I have so many questions.  I am so sad for our baby's lost life here on this earth.

I knew women that had miscarried or lost a baby at birth.  But when it happened to me it was like waking up to a bad conversation that I've heard before and now grasp, and I realize how they were trying to describe the right words for their pain.  

It has been deeply moving to me that my body carried and nurtured 5 babies, delivering them safe into the world.  This miscarriage has forced me to ask some questions -- did my body fail me or did I somehow fail it (by not getting the flu vaccine while I was pregnant)?

On most days, it's all right.  I understand that God is sovereign, that bodies are fragile and fallible, that grief mellows over time, and that guarantees aren't part of human life.  But on this day, I'm crying just a little for what might have been.

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